Diary of a Pastors Wife
An honest reflection of what couples in Ministry experience daily – the good, bad and the downright wacky. It demonstrates their undying love, commitment and sacrifice to the Ministry despite all odds.
GANGSTER’S PARADISE
“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life, and realize there’s nothin’ left
‘Cause I’ve been blastin’ and laughin’ so long
That even my momma thinks that my mind is gone…”
The soundtrack to Coolio’s hit “Gangster’s Paradise” has been playing out at Elsie’s River in Cape Town for decades. The area is only around five square kilometres, yet is bursting with stories of joy and anguish, love and hate, death and hope.
This, dear reader, is a story of hope. It’s a story of brokenness. It’s a story of triumph. Even I don’t know how this story will end, but I will take you on the journey that brought us here.
It was 8:30pm one Friday night, when a congregant of Pastor Nolan Timmie’s church received a whatsapp message from her friend. Shortly thereafter, Timmie’s phoned pinged with the forwarded message – a cry for help from a 28-year old woman, desperately seeking assistance for her younger brother. The young man, Jamal, was 26, and a key member of a local gang. With tensions at boiling point, his sister was afraid that he could lose his life.
Timmie, 49, has been working in the Elsies River community for the past 20 years. He knows the area all too well, having been involved in drugs at a young age, and dropping out of school. The trajectory of Timmie’s life changed when he gave his heart to God, at the age of 21, on board a train, while a group of passengers conducted a church service in the carriage.
Jamal was at a local spaza shop when Pastor Timmie approached him, accompanied by, a young man from his church. The 26-year old was still under the influence of drugs, but gave a polite nod to Timmie when the Pastor asked him for 2 minutes of his time, at his house. The three quietly walked down the dusty path and up the stairs to the third story flat. They sat talking for a while. The Pastor’s assistant shared how he had left gangsterism seven years prior. They presented the Word of God, and shared how much God loved him, and how much better his life could turn out. Jamal freely and willingly told the men that he wanted to change his life. Going down on his knees, he gave his heart to the Lord.
Timmie had an impression in his spirit that Jamal should not remain in his parent’s home that night. He asked Jamal’s sister to fetch him that same afternoon and take him to stay with her for a while. However, things didn’t go as he had planned.
Later that evening, Pastor Timmie received a call. Jamal’s home was under fire from a rival gang. When his sister and mother arrived home they had to duck for cover as bullets flew overhead. Jamal’s younger brother, Khiaam, who had been making noodles in the kitchen was hit by a bullet. Fortunately he survived.
Timmie was upset. He knew that this could have been avoided if Jamal’s sister had taken him away sooner. In a panic, the family asked that he rush over to their home to help them. This was a difficult decision, as the rival gang members were likely to still be in the vicinity. He enquired of his wife. “Let’s get into the car and go fetch him,” she bravely said. So, they got into the car and drove to Jamal’s house. When they got there, Timmie’s wife sat in the car and said, “You go and fetch him!”
The tension was palpable. Fear filled the air. Jamal’s friends were standing whispering outside. Pastor Timmie slowly and quietly walked toward the flat and up the stairs. He could hear Jamal’s father on the phone frantically explaining to someone that a gang had just opened fire on his house. Timmie’s eyes were fixed on Jamal. He went straight to him and held his hand. There was no resistance. They quickly and quietly walked together straight to the car, and hurriedly drove off. They took the young man to a safe house, counselled and prayed for him before calling his sister to take him to her home.
The next morning, Pastor Timmie fetched Jamal to take him for breakfast. They were planning to go to N1 City, but Timmie drove further to Canal Walk because Jamal just couldn’t stop crying. He cried the whole journey. He couldn’t explain why, but tears continued to well up in his eyes and stream down his face. Choking down tears, Jamal said “It’s been a long time that I cried like this”. After a healthy breakfast of not just food, but of encouragement and counsel, the Pastor took Jamal back to his sister. And so this routine would continue day after day.
By the next Sunday, Jamal and his two younger brothers were at church. All three had been involved in gangsterism. The siblings gave their heart to the Lord. Their friends began to see a difference in their lives. One by one, they also started to engage with Pastor Timmie. The church began a Bible study breakfast on Monday’s, Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. The former gangsters began to share who in their community needed to experience the love of Christ. Over the past three weeks, another twenty young men have turned their backs on gangsterism.
Many in the community say for the first time everything is quiet. They can sleep again. They can walk on the streets again, without the anxiety of having to possibly dodge bullets. The shooting has stopped, and with it the anger.
These young men were feared and despised in their community. They were violent, and made their living by robbing people of their cellphones, then selling it on the black market. They were constantly high on the drug known as Tik, and peddled drugs at street corners.
Now, the community is slowly getting used to the idea of seeing these young men get dressed in the morning and walking through the streets of Elsie’s River to go to Church for Bible study.
It hasn’t been an easy road. During a meeting with Pastor Timmie one morning, a young man in the group received a phone call. It was a ganger leader calling from inside prison to give an instruction for someone to be “taken out.” The 19-year old tasked with the assassination, and now sitting with Pastor Timmie, was the main gunman in the gang.
The truth is, some of the young men have pulled a trigger, ending precious lives. In a gang, if you are given an instruction to kill someone and you don’t do so, then you yourself could be killed for disobeying the directive. People are killed for gangs to claim territory, or even if a gang leader just doesn’t like someone in the community. The vicious circle of intimidation is often what prevents gangsters from leaving the dangerous lifestyle.
Pastor Timmie was clear – there would be no such killings, certainly not from any of the young men who were under his care. He went to the father of the gangster who ordered the hit, and told him to let his son know this in no uncertain terms, and that all the young men had now chosen a new path of love and forgiveness..
“If my son calls me, I will tell him,” said the man.”
Pastor Timmie’s family and his church spend thousands of rands preparing meals for the young men. It started off with R300-R400 a day, but with the increasing number of young men turning their backs on gangsterism, the costs of provision are also growing. Jamal and his two brothers were very influential in gang circles, so everyone is now hanging out at their house. Provision is also given to their mum to be able to feed the young men looking for a lifeline of hope.
They are hungry, not just for food to fill their tummies, but hungry for love, for acceptance, for faith, and the Word of God.
Pastor Timmie tries to keep them occupied during the week, so the drug cravings are reduced and so they are able to focus on re-building themselves. Sometimes they watch movies, sometimes they play, and sometimes they just go for a drive and get some KFC. Most of them sit in on both church services on a Sunday, leaving the regulars out in the cold! It’s a problem they don’t mind having, knowing that a whole generation is being restored.
Judah Community Life Church has great ideas for the young men, but they’re not ready for it yet. Once they are mentally strong some will be sent back to finish school, while others will undergo skills development courses. For now, Pastor Timmie has to ensure that all their needs are met for the next 4 to 6 months – from food and toiletries, to jackets, takkies, boots, beanies, Bible study material and of course, entertainment to keep their minds away from their toxic past.
Many have lost out on their childhood. Some don’t have fathers. Others have lost both their parents.
This week Pastor Timmie was introduced to a shabbily dressed boy, just 13-years old. He was the youngest member of the gang. The child has not been attending school. In fact, he is also hooked on drugs, given to him in his own home. The teenager is no stranger to violence, and can fire a gun by himself. He has attended his first Bible study class, and the church is hoping it will be a turning point for this little boy.
When they’re asked what they would like to become, the answers ring out in the air “An architect,” “a lawyer,” “an engineer…” Their dreams are big. Their opportunities have always been small. However, Pastor Timmie is hoping to change that.
These young men may have “been spendin’ most their lives livin’ in the gangsta’s paradise,” but with their guns now aside, they are now thankfully “On their knees in the night, sayin’ prayers in the streetlight.
They have new hope and aspiration on the inside, and their future depends on all of us doing our bit to hold them up in prayer, in love and support.
I hope this story has left you blessed and inspired to make a difference!
IN BETWEEN SUNDAYS
We live in Johannesburg, about 600kms away from our bustling hometown of Durban where our parents and siblings reside. Due to our work and church commitments, we only travel to Durban three or four times a year. This is an incredibly exciting experience for our two young children, aged 2 and 5 as they get to spend some quality time with their grandparents, aunt’s and cousins.
As soon as we announce our plans to go to Durban, our son Adriel starts counting the number of sleeps left before we leave. He especially loves to spend time with his grandpa, and fishing is always his top request.
Pa, 66 years old, is the Pastor of a Church in Mt Edgecombe. Together with his wife, Grandma Selvie they are actively involved in full time ministry, and have been for the past 35 years. Due to Covid, and our responsibilities at our Church in Joburg, we had delayed going to Durban for a while, so it was nine months since our last trip to see our family.
Our children were jumping for joy and Adriel couldn’t wait to go fishing with his Pa, have fun playing cards and doing all the wonderful things grandparents do with their grandchildren.
However, the fishing trip Pastor Mark had promised to his grandson had to be postponed and postponed and eventually cancelled.
A lot happens in between Sundays, and often congregants have no idea of the amount of responsibility that weighs heavily on their Pastors shoulders.
During the week we were in Durban, a house belonging to a member of Pastor Mark’s congregation literally went up in flames. The family lost everything. He had to rush there to provide emotional and psychological support as well as financial assistance. Pastor Mark has personally taken on the project to raise funds to rebuild the house and make sure the building is suitable for the family to live in.
A faithful congregant passed away and he had to be of support to the family at their home, and later that week conduct the funeral. A funeral takes the entire day as the officiating Pastor has to be there from the morning until the burial in the afternoon.
Two days later a close family member of a faithful family in his congregation passed away. Pastor Mark graciously conducted the funeral, again a responsibility that took much of the day.
Amidst all of this, Pastor Mark and his wife had to conduct numerous counselling sessions, especially with married couples, lasting up to 4 hours a session!
I have not even touched on the time set aside for Prayer, by name, for members of his congregation or the hours spent studying the Word of God and preparing to preach to a Church full of people waiting for their Pastor to teach, edify and encourage them. All this in the midst of the Covid19 pandemic.
At 66 years old, many people in other professions would have retired by now, but a Pastor never retires. Their love for their flock never dies.
Pastor Mark is one of many Pastors who have dedicated their entire lives to the benefit of others.
Today I’d like to encourage you to Honour Your Pastor and keep him and his family in constant prayer.
The sermon you watch your Pastor share on a Sunday morning is but a fraction of his daily sacrifice of time and resource. Remember his wife, remember his children, remember his grandchildren. Pray for them. Check on their well-being. Be kind and gracious to them. Moreover, try to do your bit to be of support in the work of the ministry.
My son may have not gone on that fishing trip, but he will always be reminded of the legacy his Pa has left him and the many lives that have been touched.
1 Thessalonians 5:12-14
“We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labour among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
Five Reasons Why Having An Affair Is A Bad Idea!
Hi everyone,
Over the past few weeks I’ve heard heart wrenching stories of families being torn apart, because of infidelity. The aggrieved spouse describes the feeling as worse than death. Children are left broken. They watch their mums and dads try to keep things together, while wondering if they are in fact to blame. It will affect their self-worth, their education, and even their future romantic relationships.
Is it all worth it? Well, some would say it is. The passion, intrigue, and thrill of escaping detection, is a turn on for many. Lord David Cecil once said “The nurse of infidelity is sensuality.” What starts off as flimsy flirtation quickly turns into a web of deceit. At it’s core is emotional or sexual intimacy that violates the trust of a spouse.
Here are five reasons why having an affair is a TERRIBLE idea….
1. It will ruin your reputation. Proverbs 6:32 sums it up for us. It says “But the man who commits adultery is a fool, for he destroys himself.” Society never forgets, and when you slip up and get caught, you will be humiliated and embarrassed. More importantly, every piece of advice you give to others will be questioned based on your moral transgression. Your confidence is likely to drop, as well as your influence.
2. Your spouse will never fully trust you – probably for the rest of your life. They will start to question everything, from why you took so long at the store to whether you’re really working late at the office. This trust will take years to rebuild and every day will be different as they battle to reconcile what happened and why.
3. Your children will no longer see you as a role-model. Knowing that you chose to be with someone other than their mum or dad will make them feel insecure, confused, sad and angry. You will lose your authority to steward and discipline them, because you have been a poor example. If you have daughters, the emotional trauma may lead to them quickly getting involved in a relationship, without performing due diligence. If you have sons, your behavior may rubber stamp them doing the same.
4. You increase your chance of getting a sexually transmitted disease. Did you know you can have an STD, even though you don’t experience any symptoms? STD’s can lead to infertility in both men and women. It can also increase your chances of contracting HIV, cancer or syphilis. Cheating on your spouse can therefore directly impact both your quality and length of life.
5. Most importantly, infidelity is a violation of covenant and is against everything our faith stands for. In fact, many of us have forgotten that it’s even mentioned in the Ten Commandments. In Hebrews 13:4 we are asked to “Give honour to marriage, and remain faithful to one another”. The Bible goes even further in the New Testament. Matthew 5:27 says “You have heard it said, ‘Do not commit adultery’. But I tell you that anyone who even looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
My hope is that these five reasons will be strong enough to put the brakes on any scent of sensuality outside of your marriage covenant.
But what if it’s too late? What if you’re already too deep, but you’ve now decided to walk away? At the outset, know that it’s not going to be easy – but it is the right thing to do.
Firstly you’ll have to gather all your courage and end the affair. Don’t wait for after Valentine’s Day – do it today. If you need help, speak to a close friend or Pastor who will support you through it. Make the break quick and to the point and then end all communication. Change your number, change cities or countries if you have to! Like my husband puts it, just kick down!
Secondly, if you’re in a marriage, tell your spouse that you’ve been unfaithful, that you’ve ended it and that you want to make your relationship work. Now this is a tough one, and there’s no guarantees about how your spouse will react, but the chances are higher that you will be met with a little more leniency because of your transparency. There has to be genuine remorse and don’t expect your spouse to simply get over it, even if they’ve decided to forgive you and try again. Rebuilding trust takes time and during this phase, your spouse will be processing all sorts of emotions. Give them the time and space they need.
Thirdly if you and your partner commit to working together to make your marriage work, sit together and identify gaps in your marriage that may’ve led to you seeking affection elsewhere. This could be a wide range of problems. Communication is a major factor – do you actually talk to each other. I mean, do you have real conversations? Do you set aside time every evening to talk about your day? Do you sit and eat together around a table as a family, with the TV switched off? Do you attend church together, even if it’s online? Do you ever pray together in your home? Are there problems around intimacy, family interference, pride, laziness, insecurity, unforgiveness, alcohol, drugs or physical abuse? Together with your spouse, come up with an action plan to make your marriage a happy place. This will entail putting in place goals and priorities and sticking to them. Once you as a couple find each other, the love will also filter down to your children, and will translate into a healthy and happy environment for them to thrive in.
Marriage is demanding and challenging and sometimes rather frustrating, but it also comes with great reward. All the bumps along the journey can lead to greater transparency, connection, insight and intimacy. The challenges force us to access resource and strength we never knew we had as we engage in covenant – and of course we can’t ignore that it is rather fun to have someone to annoy all our lives!
Ecclesiates 10:8 says “He that digs a pit will fall into it, and he that breaks a hedge, a serpent will bite him.” In modern terms, we need to have a strong hedge or fence around our marriage, with security beams. When trouble comes we must be able to press the panic button and call for help from specialists in the field. We need to constantly make sure the fence around our family is in good condition. If any part of the fence is damaged, or broken down, it will compromise the security of our marriage.
So let’s put in place proper structures today and perform the required maintenance to ensure that our marriages are fortified and can ultimately be a haven of love and rest.
Have a wonderful week!
Melini
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Mum, does Heaven have a beach?
“Mum, does heaven have a beach? Can we take our suitcases there or are there clothes for us in heaven? Mum, who’s going to brush my teeth there? Is it one of the angels? But they’re not my mummy or daddy!”
My 5-year old son Adriel bombarded me with questions this morning. He’s clearly been listening to the conversations between his dad and I every time we hear the sad news of another life lost due to Covid-19. When he asks, we usually tell him the person who has passed on has gone to heaven to be with the Lord Jesus. What we didn’t know was that this little boy was busy pondering on what heaven was all about.
“Mum, can we take an aeroplane to heaven? Or maybe a helicopter?” No son, I said, we have to die first, then we go to heaven. “Die! Mummy….I don’t want to die!….Mum I’ll be scared if I go to heaven…I’ll be scared of the angels. Will they be kind?” Yes baby, they are very kind, they will love you and take such good care of you! Silence….“Mum, are there games in heaven?… Mamma…when they blow the trumpet, what if it’s too loud for my ears?”
Adriel made me laugh and cry at the same time. The innocence of a little boy coupled with the reality of death gives us all a lot to think about.
In the midst of the pain and anguish the Corona virus has brought, this is a time for introspection, a time for reflection. If tomorrow never comes, where do we go from here? Reality usually hits me the hardest in the early hours of the morning. This is when I battle to sleep after filling my mind with Facebook pictures and videos of bereavement. The other night I found myself praying for forgiveness, for all my shortcomings, for all the times I’ve failed. I then prayed for forgiveness on behalf of all my family members, all my friends, and admittedly a little reluctantly, even for those who have in the past caused great pain. I had a little help from Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” I was not about to take any chances!
As Christians, we believe God’s Word: “To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.” While we may have a glorious image of heaven, I’m sure God’s plan for us is far more than we can ever dream or imagine. Dr David Leininger shared the story below in a sermon on March 30th, 1997, which lightheartedly puts this into context…
I love the old story of the rich man who, on his deathbed, negotiated with God to allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him when he came to heaven. God’s reaction was that this was a most unusual request, but since this man had been exceptionally faithful, permission was granted to bring along just one suitcase. The time arrived, the man presented himself at the pearly gates, suitcase in hand – BOTH hands, actually, since he had stuffed it with as many bars of gold bullion as would fit. St. Peter said, “Sorry, you know the rules – you can’t take it with you.” But the man protested, “God said I could… one suitcase.” St. Peter checked, found out that this one would be an exception, prepared to let the man enter, then said, “OK, but I will have to examine the contents before you pass.” He took the suitcase, opened it, saw the gold bars and asked quizzically, “You brought PAVEMENT?”
I don’t know if you believe in God, but for me, I can’t imagine going through life, or this pandemic without trusting in the Sovereignty of an Almighty God. I can’t imagine living each day without His grace, strength and mercy.
Indian author Arundhati Roy gives us some food for thought…“What is this thing that has happened to us? It’s a virus, yes. In and of itself it holds no moral brief. But it is definitely more than a virus. Some believe it’s God’s way of bringing us to our senses. Others that it’s a Chinese conspiracy to take over the world. Whatever it is, coronavirus has made the mighty kneel and brought the world to a halt like nothing else could. Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. This one is no different. It is a portal, a gateway between one world and the next. We can choose to walk through it, dragging the carcasses of our prejudice and hatred, our avarice, our data banks and dead ideas, our dead rivers and smoky skies behind us. Or we can walk through lightly, with little luggage, ready to imagine another world. And ready to fight for it.”
Numbers 16 in the Bible speaks of a plague that had befallen the people of Israel. Aron offered incense and made atonement for the people. Verse 48 says “He stood between the living and the dead, and the plague was halted.”
Right now we stand between the living and the dead. I believe we have two huge responsibilities. Firstly, it is to pray and intercede on behalf of society for this plague to end. Secondly, we need to take a moment to reflect and ask ourselves – where to from here? If tomorrow never comes, where does my future lie?
Adriel ended our conversation by asking, “Mum, how will I die? Mamma, can you tell me how many sleeps before I go heaven?” It’s a heavy topic for a 5-year old boy, but I’m glad I got to answer some of his questions, and I’m hoping it provides some consolation when he hears about a relative or friend who has gone to be with Jesus.
I took some time to explain to my son that only God knows when he will take us to be with Him. After a small sigh he said, “Ok mummy, can you please, please type ‘kids racing cars’ into Youtube?
BRINGING JOY TO THE WORLD, AND YOUR HOME THIS CHRISTMAS
Hi everyone,
It’s that amazing, festive time of year when millions across the globe celebrate Christmas. But, let’s be honest – this year has not been particularly amazing, and the past few weeks have been far from festive. We’re in uncertain, unchartered territory. The usual fun and fanfare has been replaced by anxiety and distress. The Covid-19 pandemic, now its second surge continues to leave a trail of devastation. Many have lost friends and family, while others are fighting for their lives in hospital. Thousands of people have lost their jobs, and others are just getting by with the little they have. While we celebrate Christmas today, I ask that we all take some time to pray for, call and remember those who aren’t in as fortunate a situation as we may be.
This Christmas many of us won’t physically be attending Church. You may miss the joyful sound of carols, the sermon about the miracle of Christmas, and if you’re like me, you’ll definitely miss the people and the hugs and laughter that resonate after every Christmas service. However this year, God has other plans, and despite the circumstances, we have to trust in the Sovereignty of our heavenly Father.
Today I’d like to encourage you to leave the turkey and trifle aside for a while and sit around a table with your family. Take turns to express gratitude for all the good that has happened this year. While 2020 may have been overshadowed by Covid, there have also been many positive things that have taken place. Maybe you bought a house this year. Maybe you started a new job, or a new business venture. Maybe you’ve had the opportunity to work from home and spend more quality time with your family. Maybe you made you a new friend. Express thanks for your marriage, for your job, for your parents, your children, your family and friends.
Very few periods in history have tested our resilience the way 2020 has. Acknowledge the grace that carried you through, and the gift of life that you still have.
By now every one of us is likely to know someone that has died of Covid-19. In recent weeks the deaths have increased exponentially and we’ve lost many people close to us – healthy people whom we’d never have expected to lose their lives so soon.
It’s almost as if we’re in a war, and while we’re trying to shelter our families, we don’t know who out there will be the next casualty. Earlier this week, after receiving so many notices of people who’ve died, I began writing messages to a few people that have crossed my path over the years. I thought it was important to let them know about the impact they’ve had on my life.
Maybe you’d like to do the same. It could be the one person at your workplace ten years ago who always made you laugh. It could be the teacher who constantly encouraged you, or a high school friend that taught you a lesson you’ve never forgotten. I recently tracked down someone who used to give me extra Maths lessons in Durban more than 20 years ago, and it was so amazing just to connect again, so I could express appreciation.
Gratitude and acknowledgement is scarce, yet it’s needed so much right now. People are yearning for comfort, love and a shoulder to lean on. While social distancing may not allow this, we can use the tools we have at hand to make someone feel special.
A phone call to check on how someone is doing will mean a lot to them. If you have the means to do something extra, you could send them a gift from an online store that can be delivered straight to their home. If you know someone who could do with groceries and you’re too afraid to visit them, how about sending them a voucher? These days stores like Checkers and Pick n Pay allow you to buy grocery vouchers online and they send a pin code directly to the recipient’s cellphone. Thanks to technology, there are so many ways in which we can be a blessing at this time, while still observing Covid-19 protocols.
Many people have been saying that Christmas is cancelled this year because the usual bells and whistles with our families won’t be there. However, I’d like to remind you that the reason for the season – the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, is not dependent on viruses or circumstances. At Christmas we celebrate the ultimate Gift given to us. We celebrate the Love of our Father, expressed through the birth of His Son.
Despite our circumstances, “These three remain: faith, hope and love…and the greatest of these is love.
This festive season let’s get our families together to express hearts of gratitude, and let’s do our bit to showcase love to others!
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A Sneak Peek Into What A Pastor Does All Week!
Hi everyone,
Every now and then I pause and ask my husband WHY? Why would anyone willingly become a Pastor? Why would someone even consider this lifestyle? I always jokingly tell him that we could have been rich if he stuck to his profession. He gave up being an Advocate to become a Pastor. We both know it’s his calling. However, it doesn’t mean it’s easy. Today I’d like to take some time to give you a glimpse into the life of a Pastor.
When you hear the word Pastor, I’m sure it conjures up all sorts of thoughts.
Many of you will probably think fraud, lavish lifestyles, fake healing, manipulation and infidelity. Of course there are those who claim to be spiritual leaders, but instead fleece their flock. Many Pastors have been grabbing headlines for all the wrong reasons in South Africa. They have done immeasurable damage to the Church at large and are a complete misrepresentation of everything our faith stands for.
But there are also those on the flip side. There are Pastors around the globe, who daily sacrifice their time, finance, and resource. There are Pastors who make sure that all those within their area of influence are spiritually nourished, mentored and skilled to be successful men, women and children who go on to impact their families and communities.
Growing up I used to think Pastors had the easiest job. ‘Work’ on Sundays, pray for and counsel a few people during the week, and go shopping or relax with the family at home the rest of the time. How wrong I was ! Now that I am married to a Pastor I can confidently tell you that their entire lives are a sacrifice. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, their church family is their top priority and everything they and we as a family do, revolves around those under our care – physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially.
A Pastor’s entire existence is for the benefit of others. They carry you and your burdens as if it were theirs. I have experienced first hand the toll this takes on Pastoral families – the stress, the hurt and the pain, and well as the joy and fulfilment.
So, what are Pastors so busy with?
Well, Pastors are usually the first port of call when anyone who relates to them has a problem. This can be anything from someone who is stuck on the freeway, to someone who is on drugs and needs help.
Pastors are also called when people need advice to make big decisions – like which area is best to buy a house in, whether to stay with a job or take up a new offer or whether to pursue a legal case, or drop it.
Pastors are also called when people are in distress. In the past 2 weeks alone for example, we’ve helped someone who suffered a mental breakdown, we’ve had to deal with issues relating to an unlawful arrest, and we’ve started the journey of restoration of a broken marriage. The Pastor physically goes in to help – even in times of Covid. He was at the police station, at the court a few days later, at the hospital getting the patient admitted, at a home praying for someone who was sick and at a couple’s flat providing counselling. These are just a few examples from his packed diary.
Pastors spend much of their time visiting people, praying with them and encouraging them. For many, especially young adults and the elderly, this source of interaction is gold, in a world where people hardly ever have quality time for others.
Pastors are also called to officiate events. These are functions like weddings, birthday parties, funerals and Thanksgivings. I haven’t even touched on the main purpose they serve – which is preparing the Word of God to be of strength and nourishment to their congregants. The majority of church leaders are spending late nights and early mornings putting together sound doctrine that ultimately elevates people out of their weaknesses and brings them into a position of great strength.
Not all churches have an abundance of money, and resource can be very limited for smaller churches. It’s especially in these cases that the Pastors ensure that the needs of the church are met, before their own. This means making sure the rent is paid, as well as utility bills, staff, transport and other expenses.
Pastors also give up their own personal resource to take care of their congregants. This ranges from settling school fees, to buying groceries and helping pay rent to avoid someone being evicted. One Pastor shared with me how at a funeral the bus driver refused to transport the mourners because the grieving family had hired him but couldn’t pay him. The Pastor himself had to settle the bill. Another Pastor gave away his child’s expensive christening dress to a family who didn’t have one. You can imagine what happened when his wife found out!
I have personally witnessed Pastors go to great debt on their credit cards to help their congregants. For a Pastor, saying ‘no’ is almost unheard of and those within the ministry regularly sacrifice their resource for others.
A pastor is on call 24/7. His time is never his. He leaves home at any time of day or night to attend to an emergency. This ranges from going to a drug den to search for a father who hasn’t returned home, or to be of support to a teenager who has attempted suicide. Pastors don’t get any days off. Even if they do, they are always on call. I remember us being on honeymoon in another country when someone texted my husband to say she needed a lift to church, which he gladly arranged.
My parents in law, who’ve been in ministry for 35 years, have often had to cut short their holidays and spend thousands of rands re-booking their flights, at their own cost, when someone within their church passed away. It may sound ludicrous to you, and it really is. My point is, this is the extent of love Pastors have for those under their care.
These are the genuine men and women of God that we don’t see on the news or on social media, but they unfortunately do get bundled with abusers of the faith. These are the true shepherds who go above and beyond for the well-being of their flock. They fulfil Jeremiah 3:15 which says “Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.” These are the men and women who deserve our honour, respect and support.
I hope this has given you some insight into the life of a Pastor. I pray that you will be one who understands, encourages, honours, respects and supports your Pastor as he continues his labour of love!
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ANGER
Hi everyone,
Did you know when a rattlesnake is cornered, it becomes angry. It becomes so angry that it sometimes ends up biting itself! This really got me thinking about the way we behave when we are frustrated and angry. Let’s face it, anger is something we all battle with, whether it’s directed at our spouse, our children, or a driver who cut us off the road. Busy mornings racing to get out of the house often leads to an unsavoury exchange of words. At other times, just one trigger sets off something that may have been lying dormant. It could be family problems, financial issues, stress, feeling unappreciated or any form of injustice. Some of us may be better at keeping our emotions in check, but at some point or another, we all explode.
The Hebrew word for anger is “aph” which means to kindle or ignite a fire – in effect, “to light someone’s fuse” or “a heated outburst.” Of all our emotions, anger is considered the rawest, strongest, and potentially most destructive. However we try to defend it, I think we can all agree that anger is not a healthy emotion, and more than that, it displeases God.
James 1:19-20 says “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Proverbs 29:11 says “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
Most of us don’t intend to hurt others permanently when we’re angry. We lash out without thinking of the consequences. However, depending on how far it goes, an outburst of anger is like the eruption of a volcano. The hot lava pours down the mountain, scorching everything in sight. It literally changes the composition of the rock by its heat forever, and its damage leaves permanent scarring.
Anger has the capacity to slowly destroy relationships. This is because it undermines the very conditions that are necessary to create and maintain TRUST. It brings with it suspicion, anxiety and fear, more-so if it’s in the home. Often this type of anger is linked to domestic abuse where one spouse gets verbally and physically violent with the other.
Often they will blame the victim for causing them to get angry, instead of owning their emotions. We have seen many cases of women and children being killed, because a trusted father or husband lost himself in a moment of anger. People have also lost their lives in road rage incidents. We leave home fine, then allow one trigger to make us so angry that it can literally change the course of our lives.
Anger also destroys harmonious relationships in the workplace. Unresolved frustration diminishes our productivity, inhibits our creativity and puts the lid on our growth. It also destroys our health. The Duke University Medical Centre conducted research on the effects of sustained hostility on the human body. Dr Redford Williams found that people who are hostile and angry are at higher risk of contracting heart disease and other ailments. It’s not just people who raise their voice who are at risk, but also people with more subtle kinds of hostility like skepticism, mistrust and those who are always making snide comments.
Anger causes us to think irrationally. When we get angry our problem solving ability takes a nose dive.
Scripture tells us that God is not pleased when we are angry. In fact the Bible tells us that if we are bringing an offering to God and remember that we have a disagreement with someone, we should leave the offering at the altar, go sort out the problem and then come back. God wants us to forgive and reconcile before we approach Him.
Now what about the effect of our anger on our children? Martin Teicher, a Professor of Psychiatry at McLean Hospital has documented the damage that a parent’s verbal abuse wreaks on the brains of their children. He did a study of adults who had endured verbal abuse as children. He found that three neural pathways were disturbed in the adults. These pathways were involved in language processing, post–traumatic stress disorder, depression and dissociation, as well as anxiety. Teicher says the damage of verbal abuse was on par with the damage found in the brains of people who had been sexually abused by people outside of their family.
Teicher says children especially suffer when anger is vented, adding that openly expressed negative, raw and intense emotion is hard for anyone to witness, especially children – and it can leave scars. What happens is that over time children’s brains seem to turn down the volume on abusive words, images, and even pain and it affects them in different ways as they grow from physical illness to anxiety, depression, anger and hostility in school.
How do we avoid destroying ourselves and our children through anger?
Firstly, we need to acknowledge when our heat gauge is rising and we must be willing to take responsibility for what we do with the emotion called anger.
Proverbs 28:13 says “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”
Acknowledging that we have an anger problem takes a posture of humility.
Secondly we need to assess the source of our anger and start unpacking it and fixing it. Is it injustice, fear, hurt or perhaps frustration?
Thirdly, we should analyze our temperament. How do you behave when you’re angry? Do you explode? Do you start screaming, become sarcastic, defensive or even critical?
Next, we need to abandon our demands, and alter our attitudes. Instead of focusing on “Me, Myself and I”, invest your efforts into actually resolving the problem. This may need you to graduate to “We, Our and Us”.
Finally, pray for the spirit of counsel, wisdom, might and understanding. Take some time to cool down before deciding on an appropriate response. Wait before continuing that telephone conversation. Delay responding to that email. Walk away from a conversation if you feel your temperature rising.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us there’s a time to speak and a time to remain silent.
I pray that we will all exercise self-control, be quick to listen, and slow to become angry. Not only will this preserve our relationships and protect our health and the wellbeing of our children, but it will also bring glory to our Father – the God we represent.
Have a blessed week!
WATCH HERE
Mind your Manners
Hi everyone,
How often do the words “me”, “myself” and “I” come up in your conversations?
It’s tricky isn’t it? No matter how much we try, we naturally gravitate to talking about ourselves. Not only do we love to share our thoughts and views, but we also tend to put ourselves first.
And that’s exactly what motivational speakers tell us to do. However, if we add the God factor to our lives, we are actually called to put OTHERS first.
I’d like to put it to you that the reason we have so many people out there who are rude and disrespectful is because we have taken the “me myself and I” attitude way too far.
Today I’d like to share some points on a simple topic – a foundation principle called manners.
A few years ago, my hubby and I were on a packed bus in Amalfi with two suitcases. I was 5 months pregnant and this bus was speeding on a narrow road around a mountain – faster than a Jo’burg taxi driver. During that entire journey, we stood on the stairs of the bus holding on for dear life. It was so bad that I wished I could do a ultrasound straight afterward just to make sure the baby was ok.
Did you know that not a single person during that entire 45 minute trip offered this pregnant woman a seat? I promised myself on that day, that MY children will rise up as a standard.
Manners in greek comes from the word “ethos” – a habit or a custom. It’s also referred to as “tropos” – a character or a way of life. Good manners should be a way of life for all of us.
Now I know this may sound like a really simple topic – but it’s amazing how many of us have forgotten good ettiquette– so much so – that what should have been the norm, has actually become the exception to the norm!
There are different types of manners. There are table manners for example – Don’t put your elbows on the table or Always wait for the host to give the go ahead before you start partaking of the meal.
There are e-manners. These are manners pertaining to emails and other written correspondence – for example, using proper grammar, spelling and punctuation.
There are cellphone manners. For example, always switch your cellphone onto silent mode when at a function. This reminds me of a wedding I once attended.
It was a serious, solemn time when the Pastor was leading the bridal couple through their wedding vows, when suddenly someone’s cellphone rang. It was the bride’s father standing right there in the front row. He answered the phone and proceeded to loudly give a guest who was late the directions to the church. You can imagine how embarrassed the poor bride was!
There are also manners related to good social etiquette – like allowing someone to walk through a door before you, giving up your seat for someone older than you, or one that many of us battle with – allowing each motorist to take their turn at a four way stop!
Why do we find it so difficult to practice tolerance, etiquette, kindness and respect – especially with strangers? Is it that we feel entitled? Do our qualifications or jobs give us a feeling of superiority? Or maybe it has to do with our upbringing?
Whatever the reason, we must constantly and daily confront our selfishness. 2 Corinthians 13:5 tells us to examine ourselves. It says “Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves…”
If our faith is genuine we will practice two of the greatest lessons in the Bible – sacrifice and love.
Colossians 3 puts it beautifully. It says “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Love is putting others first. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “Love is patient and kind; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…”
Now this love may mean getting out of bed in the middle of the night to help a friend stuck on the highway or paying for a child’s school fees. But most times, we are able to demonstrate this love – of putting others first – with good manners.
So when everyone’s rushing towards the till to pay for their Christmas groceries – you are able to hold your hand out and say “After you” or if there’s the last spoon of stuffing from that Christmas turkey, you’re able to say “It’s ok, you can have it.”
Putting others first means doing more listening, rather than talking. It’s waiting for people to finish speaking rather than interrupting them to get your view across. It’s turning the TV or music down so it’s not annoying to others. It’s not scrolling on your cellphone while watching a church service online.
Putting others first also means sending a message if you aren’t able to make a meeting, notifying your friend when you‘re running late and thanking a host before you leave their function.
Good manners also extends to the workplace. Let your boss know timeously if you won’t make it to work. Treat your colleagues with respect, even if they’re not at the same level as you. Good manners is helping clear up the table at home and even washing the dishes. It’s thanking your spouse or your parents for the meal they prepared, and even offering them a cup of tea.
Apart from reflecting God’s love, good manners also has other benefits. People will genuinely appreciate you more. One of the main complaints women have during marriage counselling, is that their husband’s are inconsiderate and don’t say thank you enough. Good manners can enhance your marriage. It can help bring you favour at work and will make you a treasure in your circle of friends.
There’s an old proverb that says “Manners maketh a man”. Our manners puts the finishing touch to our character. It’s the beautiful bow on top of the gift.
Our manners give others an impression of who we are and who we represent. I pray that in your interaction with others, you’ll always remember who you are, and who you represent.
Have a great week!
WATCH HERE
Gratitude
When last did you receive a message from someone genuinely saying “Thank You” for something you’ve done? I bet it’s few and far between, and when they do come through, it’s from the same people all the time. In this video, I outline 4 reasons why we sometimes find it easier to complain than to express our gratitude. I also explain the importance of teaching this principle to our children, and I share the results of a study which looked at components of strong families. I trust that this video will foster a heart of Gratitude in all of us!
There is Hope
The circumstances of life may have left you feeling down and out. Maybe you’ve been through a death, a divorce, or have lost your job. Perhaps someone has told you you’ll never make it. Maybe you’ve even given up on yourself ! But I’m here to tell you – that stump that looks dead and defeated, still has life! There is hope!
Diary of a Pastors Wife 
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