Beyond the Pulpit

The Invisible Weight Carried by Pastors’ Families

It was Sunday morning. The music team played, and the congregation worshipped. Standing in the front row, next to my family, tears streamed down my cheeks. The timing was ridiculous. It was Sunday morning after all, when I’m supposed to be at my best – the ‘Pastor’s wife’ – smartly dressed, well organised, of good cheer, and in reverence. But the tears rolled down my face uncontrollably, each droplet carrying a story of its own, a testament to the depth of emotion that welled within me.

What I really wanted to do was walk to the restroom, bawl my eyes out, then bring myself to myself, fix my make-up, and walk back to my place in the front row. However, that would mean walking past many other rows of people and risking them seeing my tear-stained face. Such vulnerability was not an option. I chose to stay put.

It wasn’t just the fact that there was no milk for coffee in the church kitchen that morning. It wasn’t just the fact that the communion tables looked bare without any flowers, or that the slides I’d worked on all week, couldn’t go up. It was a culmination of months of carrying the massive weight of task after task on an endless list of church duties.

The relentless demands of time and energy on Pastors and their spouses is not something many Christians stop to think about. Even I, prior to marrying a Pastor, was convinced that Pastor’s had the most leisurely week, and only really ‘worked’ on Sundays – a task they probably enjoyed anyway because they were so great at it.

As the music team sang, my mind flashed back to when I attended church as a child, a teenager and then as a young adult. Our family would sit just a few rows behind the Pastor’s wife. She was always elegantly dressed, her hair set, and nails manicured. There were times when she looked happy, and there were times when she looked worn. If I knew then what I know now I would have offered so much more support.

Wife, mum, provider, nurse, counsellor, administrator, cleaner, event planner, communicator – the Pastor’s wife must do it all with grace and efficiency. For the most part she works in obscurity, yet she is a critical cog in the wheels of ministry, providing consistent support to both her husband and the church. She is the glue that holds everything together.

Pastors’ wives get many messages from congregants asking about the well-being of their Pastor, but few take the time to check on the Pastor’s wife and how she is coping. One can be forgiven though, as people naturally see the Pastor as the primary focus of the ministry. He is usually the one who is seen publicly preaching, praying and in close relationship with the congregation. However, pastors’ wives all over the world also deal with a heavy load of responsibilities, most often unseen, which they diligently perform to support both their husbands and the church.

Many women struggle to balance time within their own families, constantly navigating the demands of careers, husbands, and children. For pastors’ wives, this challenge is even greater—they have the added responsibility of tending to a larger church family that also requires their love, care, and support. Their dual role can also lead to misconceptions about their actions and intentions.

I remember a conversation I had with a work colleague once, who bemoaned the fact that her Pastor’s wife was fielding the Pastor’s calls. “She’s like a lion,” she said, “she asks why we are calling, and then says she will get him or someone from church to contact us.” I recall being annoyed that the colleague couldn’t understand that she was one of probably two dozen calls the Pastor had received that day alone from people needing counsel, prayer, or support. I would imagine his wife was simply being protective.

As a growing church, there has been an increasing demand on us as a family in various aspects of ministry. We moved into our new church building in 2023, after a gruelling but miraculous journey. Having our own space means making sure it’s always clean and well-maintained, and that everything that is needed to make this happen, is provided. We live about half-an-hour away from our church, so for my husband, this has meant several trips back and forth carrying everything from tiles to paint, mops, and groceries. We lead and oversee several teams from music and media to events, children’s ministry, and young adults. This is apart from home visits, counselling, prayer, and most importantly, the preparation of sound doctrine for Bible study, Prayer meetings and Sunday services. Finding moments to recharge amid the constant flurry of requests and necessities is near impossible, especially with two young children who also crave their mum and dad’s attention.

For the past few months, I’ve been working late, day after day and night after night doing my best to juggle all these responsibilities, while also growing a start-up business. I’ve found myself spending copious amounts of time checking if cupboards at church are clean, if the carpets are vacuumed and the furniture polished, instead of pursuing the biggest thing on my heart – empowering the Body of Christ and our community through training, writing and skills development.

My husband and I have also been convicted by a teaching we listened to about incomplete assignments. He has an unfinished book that he hasn’t been able to touch for months because of the load of responsibilities on his plate, and I have a host of ideas I would love to implement in the media space that would have a great impact on the youth in South Africa.

I have come to the realisation that life is fleeting and nothing is as important as the legacy we leave behind, not just for our children, but for our spiritual family and others yearning for love, care, validation, skills, knowledge, and mentorship.

The reality of being a Pastor’s family is putting your own plans, hopes and dreams on the backburner every single day, to be of benefit to others. It’s sacrificing your time with your children to take those calls of distress from your church family at any time day or night. It’s getting into your car or booking a flight to get to the son in your church who is hurting after losing his job or receiving news that his daughter has cancer.

It’s also navigating the mindsets of people who believe you just aren’t doing enough, people who murmur and complain, people who criticise Pastors every chance they get, yet call on them in their time of loss or need. It takes a special grace to function as a Pastor.

As a pastor’s wife, there are days when the weight of expectations, the constant spotlight, and the emotional toll makes the road extremely daunting. I hit one of those potholes that Sunday. An overwhelming wave of sadness, disappointment and exhaustion hit me, and the lack of milk in the kitchen for a decent cup of coffee was the final blow that triggered my momentary meltdown. In my defence it’s the first (and hopefully the last time) this has ever happened to me on a Sunday morning.

I’m laughing as I write this (milk? Really!). My husband was also not well on that Sunday, so the few people who interacted with us were convinced that we’d had an argument. Talk about added pressure!

I wish I had more time to write. I love that I can use my experiences, vulnerabilities, and strengths to offer support to those in need and to provide insight on everything that takes place behind the scenes.

There is a myriad challenges in ministry, perhaps the biggest being that so few people are willing to serve in the house of God. This is why so many Pastors are unable to give themselves fully to the bigger vision. When there are more hands serving and when everyone is using their skills and resource to support the vision, the church can advance at an accelerated pace. If you are not serving in your local church, I urge you to consider it. Even 60 minutes a week will make a huge difference in helping the church fulfil its role in this season. Serving can be as simple as standing at the door to welcome families to church, or using your skills and talents in the house of God. Your Pastor and his wife will be able to tell you exactly where your church needs help the most.

Amid all the challenges, lies a depth of love and purpose that makes this journey profoundly rewarding. The sense of community within the church family is unparalleled. The depth of connection forged within this community, the shared faith that binds us together and the impact of collective prayer is irreplaceable.

There is an undeniable beauty and a profound love that keeps us anchored and committed to this unique calling.

So, next Sunday, if you see me with a coffee mug and a smile, just know that I’m fully armed for another week of loving, serving, and maybe, just maybe, making sure the church kitchen never runs out of milk again!

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